Why Do We Find It So Difficult to Talk About Death and Grief?

“I'm sorry for your loss.”

“They've passed away.”

“We've lost Mum.”

We have lots of ways of talking about death without actually saying the word death.

And I wonder why that is?

Why can saying “I'm sorry your mum died” sometimes feel much harder than saying “I'm sorry for your loss”?

Why do we say someone has “passed”, “gone”, “lost their battle” or “left us” rather than simply saying that they have died?

For many people, the words death, dying and dead can feel incredibly uncomfortable.

But perhaps being able to say the words is part of becoming more comfortable talking about grief.

Why is talking about death so difficult?

There isn't one simple answer.

Death can bring us face-to-face with things that are frightening, painful and uncertain.

It reminds us that life is finite.

It can also bring up memories of our own losses, our own fears about dying, or the possibility of losing somebody we love.

And when someone has died, we may worry that talking about them will make the person who is grieving more upset.

We might think:

“I don't want to remind them.”

“I don't know what to say.”

“What if they start crying?”

“I'll make things worse.”

“Perhaps they don't want to talk about it.”

Research into conversations about death suggests that people can sometimes avoid the subject because they are worried about making someone else uncomfortable or causing distress. Interestingly, research also suggests that the idea that everyone finds death impossible to talk about may be overstated. Sometimes we assume other people don't want to talk about death, when actually they might be waiting for someone else to start the conversation.

That feels important.

Because our discomfort can sometimes create silence.

“Passed away” or “died”?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with saying “passed away” if that is the language that feels right for you or the person you are talking to.

Words around death are deeply personal and can be influenced by family, culture, faith and experience.

But euphemisms can sometimes make conversations less clear.

Research exploring the language we use around death found hundreds of different euphemisms. People described using them because words such as dead and dying could feel too harsh or upsetting. But researchers also highlighted that euphemisms can sometimes cause confusion.

Imagine a child being told:

“Grandad has gone to sleep.”

What might they understand from that?

Could they become frightened of going to sleep themselves?

Could they keep waiting for Grandad to come back?

Using clear, age-appropriate language doesn't mean being harsh.

It means helping someone understand what has happened.

Sometimes kindness and clarity can sit alongside each other.

We don't need to have the perfect words

One of the things I hear around grief is the worry about getting it wrong.

People can become so concerned about saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all.

But you don't need to have a perfect sentence.

You don't need to fix someone's grief.

You don't need to make them feel better.

Sometimes you simply need to be willing to sit alongside them.

You might say:

“I don't really know what to say, but I'm here.”

Or:

“I've been thinking about you and about your mum.”

Or:

“Would you like to talk about what happened?”

And sometimes, simply saying the person's name can be enough.

Julia Samuel: we need the courage to talk

Psychotherapist and grief specialist Julia Samuel has spent many years working with people experiencing loss.

One of the things I particularly value in her work is the emphasis on having honest and helpful conversations about death rather than trying to avoid difficult feelings.

On her website, Julia talks about how, through her work, she came to recognise that talking about death, dying and grief requires something from us: the courage to dare.

I love that idea.

Because perhaps we don't need to become experts in talking about death.

Perhaps we just need to become a little braver.

Brave enough to ask.

Brave enough to listen.

Brave enough not to rush in and fill the silence.

Brave enough to hear someone's story.

And brave enough to say:

“Yes. They died.”

What if talking about someone who has died makes them cry?

This is something people often worry about.

But crying isn't necessarily a sign that you've made someone feel worse.

They may already be carrying enormous sadness.

Your question may simply have given them permission to let some of it out.

There is a difference between causing someone's grief and making space for someone's grief.

That distinction can be really important.

Research with bereaved people has found that conversations about grief can be difficult partly because bereaved people may worry about being a burden to others.

So the person grieving may be thinking:

“I don't want to keep talking about this.”

while the person supporting them is thinking:

“I don't want to bring it up.”

And both people can end up staying silent.

What can we do differently?

Perhaps we can start small.

Use the person's name

Instead of saying:

“I'm sorry about your loss.”

you might say:

“I'm so sorry about your mum, Sarah.”

Naming the person who has died can acknowledge that they were a real and important part of someone's life.

Don't be afraid of the word “died”

You don't have to force yourself to use it.

But if you notice that you're avoiding it, perhaps ask yourself why.

What am I worried will happen if I say it?

Ask rather than assume

Instead of:

“I don't want to upset them.”

try:

“Would you like to talk about what happened?”

Then allow them to choose.

Listen

You don't need to find an answer.

You don't need to tell them everything will be okay.

You don't need to compare their loss with something that happened to you.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can offer is your attention.

Keep talking

Grief doesn't have an expiry date.

Someone may need to talk about the person who died three months later.

Six months later.

On their birthday.

At Christmas.

Years later.

And sometimes they may simply want someone to remember them too.

Perhaps we need to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable

I don't think we need to turn every conversation about death into a deep and meaningful discussion.

Sometimes we simply need to stop being frightened of the subject.

Death is part of life.

Grief is part of loving.

And talking about someone who has died doesn't make the death happen again.

It doesn't mean we're making someone grieve.

It can simply mean that we're acknowledging what has happened.

They died.

You miss them.

You're grieving.

And I'm here to listen.

Perhaps those are not words we need to be frightened of.

Perhaps, sometimes, they are exactly the words someone needs to hear.

A final thought

If you're supporting someone who is grieving, you don't need to have all the answers.

You don't need to make their pain disappear.

You can simply be alongside them.

Say their loved one's name.

Listen to their stories.

Allow the tears.

Sit in the silence.

And don't be afraid of the word death.

Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is simply dare to talk about it.

If you're struggling with grief or loss and would like somewhere to talk, counselling can provide a safe, confidential space to make sense of what you're experiencing.

If you'd like to explore whether counselling might be right for you, you can arrange a free 15-minute check-in chat through my website.