Why Does Everything Feel Harder When You're Already Exhausted?

Have you ever had a day when something really small feels like a huge effort?

Replying to an email.

Making dinner.

Putting the washing away.

Answering one more question.

Making a decision.

None of these things would normally feel particularly difficult. Yet when you're already exhausted, they can suddenly feel like the final thing you simply cannot manage.

You might even find yourself wondering:

“Why am I struggling with this? It's not even that difficult.”

Perhaps you've been telling yourself that you need to pull yourself together, get organised or just get on with things.

But what if the problem isn't that you're not coping well enough?

What if you're already carrying too much?

When your mental load is already full

We don't always notice how much we're carrying.

There's the obvious stuff — work, family, appointments, household jobs and finances.

Then there's everything happening in the background.

Remembering what needs doing.

Anticipating what other people might need.

Planning ahead.

Trying not to forget something.

Thinking about that conversation from yesterday.

Wondering whether you've upset someone.

Trying to make the right decision.

Keeping track of everyone else's expectations while also trying to keep yourself going.

The NHS describes stress as the feeling of being overwhelmed or unable to cope with mental or emotional pressure. It can affect how we feel, think and behave, as well as how our body feels.

And when that pressure continues for a long time, it can become much harder to simply keep doing what you've always done.

When you're used to being capable

This can be particularly difficult for women who are used to being seen as capable.

Perhaps you've always been the one who gets things done.

You're reliable.

You remember things.

You help other people.

You turn up.

You find a way.

People might even describe you as someone who can cope with anything.

And perhaps that's part of the problem.

Because when everyone — including you — is used to you coping, it can become very difficult to recognise when you're reaching your limit.

You may continue pushing yourself because stopping doesn't feel like an option.

Until eventually, something small feels enormous.

Could exhaustion be affecting more than your energy?

When we're mentally and emotionally overloaded, everyday tasks can require more effort.

Making a decision means using energy.

Changing plans means using energy.

Switching between tasks means using energy.

Being around people when you really need quiet means using energy.

Even appearing as though everything is fine can take energy.

For some autistic and ADHD women, there can be another layer to this.

Years of masking, adapting to expectations and trying to fit into environments that don't always work for them can be exhausting.

The National Autistic Society describes masking as consciously or unconsciously hiding autistic characteristics or adopting behaviours that are seen as more socially acceptable. It can take considerable energy and, for some people, can contribute to exhaustion and burnout.

This doesn't mean that every experience of exhaustion is connected to autism or ADHD.

But if you've spent years wondering why you seem to find certain things more tiring than other people do, it may be worth becoming curious about your own experience rather than simply criticising yourself for it.

What if you stopped asking, “What's wrong with me?”

When we're struggling, it's very easy to turn inwards and blame ourselves.

Why can't I just get on with it?

Why am I so tired?

Why does everyone else seem to manage?

Why can't I cope with things that should be easy?

Perhaps a different question might be more helpful:

“What am I carrying right now?”

That question doesn't judge you.

It doesn't assume you're failing.

It simply creates a little space to notice what's happening.

Try this: your energy audit

You don't need to change your whole life.

Instead, take five minutes and divide a piece of paper into three sections:

What drains me

Think about the things that regularly leave you feeling depleted.

It could be work, certain conversations, noise, social situations, decision-making, being constantly interrupted, difficult relationships or simply having too many things to remember.

What restores me

This isn't necessarily about traditional self-care.

Perhaps it's walking outside.

Being alone for a while.

Listening to music.

Doing something creative.

Sitting quietly with a cup of tea.

Talking to someone who makes you feel safe.

Having time when nobody needs anything from you.

What could I make slightly easier?

Not everything needs to change.

Is there one thing you could simplify?

One thing you could say no to?

One task you could ask someone else to do?

One expectation you could loosen?

One thing you could stop doing perfectly?

Small changes can matter when you're already running on empty.

You don't have to wait until you're completely exhausted

Perhaps the most important thing is this:

You don't have to prove that you're struggling enough before you're allowed to make things easier.

You don't have to reach breaking point.

You don't have to have a diagnosis.

You don't have to be unable to function.

And you don't have to justify needing a pause.

Sometimes noticing that something doesn't feel sustainable is enough reason to stop and pay attention.

A question to take with you

If I stopped judging myself for finding things difficult, what might I notice instead?

You don't need to have an answer straight away.

Just notice what comes up.

Because perhaps this isn't about becoming better at coping.

Perhaps it's about understanding what your mind and body have been trying to tell you.

If you're finding yourself exhausted by the effort of keeping everything going, counselling can offer a space to slow things down and make sense of what's happening.

At JSM Counselling, I work particularly with women who may appear to be coping on the outside but feel overwhelmed, exhausted or unsure of themselves underneath.

You don't have to arrive with everything worked out.

We can start with where you are.

If you'd like to talk, you can find out more at www.jsmcounselling.com or arrange a free 15-minute introductory call.

Julie Shehata-Morgan | JSM Counselling