Is It Anxiety, or Have You Been Coping With Too Much for Too Long?

Have you ever found yourself worrying about something that hasn't happened yet?

Replaying a conversation in your head.

Wondering whether you've said the wrong thing.

Thinking through everything that could go wrong tomorrow.

Trying to relax, but finding that your mind simply won't switch off.

Perhaps you've become so used to feeling this way that you've started to think of yourself as an anxious person.

But have you ever stopped to wonder what might be contributing to that anxiety?

Not because there's necessarily one simple answer, but because sometimes we become so busy managing how we feel that we don't have much time to understand why we might be feeling it.

When worry becomes part of everyday life

Anxiety is a natural human response. It can help us prepare for challenges and respond to situations that feel threatening or uncertain.

But when worry becomes a constant companion, it can be exhausting.

You might wake up already thinking about everything you need to do. You might spend your working day anticipating problems, trying to avoid mistakes or worrying about how other people perceive you.

By the evening, you're physically tired but mentally still at work.

And even when nothing particularly difficult is happening, you may find yourself waiting for something to go wrong.

Mind explains that anxiety can be influenced by many things, including current life circumstances, past experiences, uncertainty and prolonged stress. Everyone's experience is different, and there isn't always one single cause.

You can read more in Mind's guide to the causes of anxiety.

Perhaps this is a useful place to start: rather than criticising yourself for feeling anxious, become curious about what might be happening in your life and what you might need.

The pressure of always being the one who copes

I often think about the women who are used to managing things.

They may be successful at work, caring towards others, organised and dependable. They know how to get things done, even when life is difficult.

Other people may see them as strong and capable.

But being capable doesn't mean that something never feels difficult. And being able to cope doesn't mean that coping comes without a cost.

Perhaps you feel responsible for keeping everything running smoothly.

Perhaps you worry about disappointing people.

Perhaps you find it difficult to say no because you don't want to let anyone down.

Or perhaps you spend so much time anticipating what other people might need that you rarely stop to consider what you need yourself.

Over time, this constant pressure can leave very little room to rest, make mistakes or simply be yourself.

You may find yourself asking, "Why can't I just relax?"

But perhaps another question is worth considering:

"What am I expecting myself to manage, and how much of that responsibility is really mine?"

When you spend a lot of time trying to fit in

For some autistic and ADHD women, anxiety can sit alongside years of trying to understand expectations that other people seem to navigate more easily.

You might have learnt to watch how other people behave, carefully consider what to say, rehearse conversations or adjust how you express yourself to avoid being misunderstood.

You may have become very good at appearing comfortable, even when you're working hard internally to manage a social situation.

For some autistic people, masking — hiding or adapting aspects of themselves to fit in — can be a significant source of effort and exhaustion.

The National Autistic Society explains more about this in its guide to autistic masking.

Of course, anxiety doesn't automatically mean someone is autistic or has ADHD. And neurodivergent people have varied experiences.

But if you have spent years feeling that everyday situations require an enormous amount of preparation, monitoring or recovery time, it may be worth exploring that experience with someone who will listen without making assumptions.

You don't have to reach a particular conclusion. You can start by noticing what life feels like for you.

What if anxiety is a signal to pay attention?

When anxiety feels uncomfortable, it's understandable to want it to stop.

We might try to distract ourselves, keep busy, plan for every possibility or reassure ourselves that everything will be fine.

Sometimes these approaches help. But if the pressures contributing to our distress remain unchanged, we may find ourselves back in the same place.

This doesn't mean anxiety is always caused by our circumstances, or that we can simply think our way out of it. Anxiety can have many contributing factors, and sometimes professional or medical support is needed.

However, it can be helpful to notice when anxiety seems to increase.

Does it happen when your diary is full?

When plans change unexpectedly?

When you feel responsible for someone else's happiness?

When you have to make a decision without knowing the outcome?

When you've spent a day trying to meet everyone else's expectations?

Noticing patterns won't necessarily give you all the answers, but it can help you begin to understand your own experience.

And understanding is a useful starting point for change.

A small activity: Notice, don't judge

The next time you notice yourself feeling anxious or overwhelmed, try pausing for a moment.

You don't need to make the feeling disappear. Simply ask yourself these three questions.

1. What is happening right now?

Notice what's going on around you and what has been occupying your mind. Is there a particular situation, decision or expectation on your mind?

2. What am I telling myself?

Are you expecting the worst? Worrying about letting someone down? Telling yourself that you should be able to manage more?

Try to notice the thought without immediately treating it as a fact.

3. What might I need?

Perhaps you need more information, some time to think, a conversation with someone you trust, a clearer boundary or a little space to rest.

You might not know the answer straight away. That's okay.

The purpose isn't to solve everything in that moment. It's to create a little space between what you're feeling and how you respond.

You don't have to work everything out on your own

Sometimes we can spend a long time trying to understand ourselves through thinking alone.

We replay events, analyse conversations and search for the reason we feel the way we do.

Yet having a safe space to talk can help us explore experiences that have become difficult to untangle on our own.

Counselling isn't about being told what to do or being given a list of things to fix. It can be an opportunity to slow down, explore what's happening and begin to understand yourself with greater kindness.

You don't need to arrive with a clear explanation for how you're feeling.

You can start with, "I know something doesn't feel right, but I'm not sure why."

That is enough of a place to begin.

A question to take with you

This week, I invite you to spend a few minutes reflecting on this question:

"If I stopped trying so hard to keep everything under control, what might I need to pay attention to?"

You might want to write down whatever comes to mind, without judging it or trying to find an immediate solution.

Perhaps you'll notice a responsibility that feels too heavy, a boundary you'd like to set, or a part of yourself that has been asking for more attention.

Or perhaps you'll simply recognise how much you've been managing.

Whatever comes up, give yourself permission to be curious.

You don't have to change everything at once.

Sometimes, the first step is recognising that the way you've been coping deserves a little attention, too.

If this feels familiar

At JSM Counselling, I offer a warm, confidential and non-judgemental space for women who may appear to be coping on the outside but feel overwhelmed, anxious or exhausted underneath.

I work particularly with autistic and ADHD women, including those who are beginning to wonder whether neurodivergence might help them understand their experiences.

You don't have to have all the answers before you get in touch.

If you'd like to talk about what you're experiencing and find out whether counselling with me might feel right for you, you're welcome to arrange a free 15-minute introductory call.

Visit www.jsmcounselling.com to find out more.

Julie Shehata-Morgan
JSM Counselling