Who Are You When You Stop Trying to Meet Everyone Else’s Expectations?
Have you ever found yourself wondering who you really are when you’re not trying to keep everyone else happy?
Perhaps you’re the person who remembers the birthdays, notices when someone is upset, adapts to different people and gets on with what needs doing. You might be reliable, capable and the person others turn to when something needs sorting out.
From the outside, it may look as though you manage everything quite well.
But what happens when you’re on your own? Do you feel able to relax and be yourself, or do you find yourself replaying conversations, wondering whether you said the right thing, or thinking about what someone else might need from you next?
And when you have a little time to yourself, do you know what you actually want to do with it?
For some women, these questions can feel surprisingly difficult.
When adapting becomes second nature
Most of us adapt to different situations. We behave differently at work than we might at home, and we all make adjustments in our relationships. This is a normal part of being human.
But there can be a difference between choosing to adapt and feeling that you have to change yourself to fit in, avoid criticism or keep other people comfortable.
You might have learnt to watch how other people behave and copy what seems to work. Perhaps you rehearse conversations beforehand, carefully consider how your words might sound, or hide your feelings because you don’t want to appear difficult or upset anyone.
You may not even recognise that you’re doing it. It might simply feel like the way you have always been.
For some autistic people, this experience is described as masking or camouflaging. The National Autistic Society’s guidance on masking explains how autistic people may hide or compensate for aspects of themselves to fit into social situations. It also recognises that masking can be unconscious and that becoming aware of it can raise questions about identity.
The NHS guidance on signs of autism in adults also notes that autistic women may copy other people’s behaviour, appear to cope well socially or hide their feelings, which can make their autistic traits harder to recognise.
Not every woman who people-pleases or adapts to others is autistic, of course. And autistic people have different experiences of masking. But if you have spent years trying to work out what other people expect of you, it may be worth giving yourself permission to explore what that has been like for you.
The cost of always trying to get it right
Sometimes, adapting helps us feel safer or more accepted. It may have helped us make friends, navigate school or work, or manage situations where we felt different.
There may have been good reasons for learning these ways of coping. It isn’t about blaming yourself for doing what you needed to do at the time.
But constantly monitoring yourself can take energy.
You might feel exhausted after social situations, even when you’ve enjoyed seeing people. You may need a long time alone to recover, or find that the smallest request feels like one more thing you cannot manage.
Perhaps you say yes when you want to say no. You might agree with someone to avoid conflict, then feel frustrated with yourself afterwards. Or you may have become so skilled at meeting expectations that other people don’t realise how much effort it takes.
There is research that helps us understand this experience. A 2024 systematic review and meta-analysis by Khudiakova and colleagues, published in Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, found associations between camouflaging in autistic people and higher levels of anxiety, depression and social anxiety, alongside lower psychological wellbeing. You can read the research here.
This research does not mean that masking causes these difficulties in every person, and it cannot establish cause and effect. But it does support taking the effort of camouflaging seriously rather than assuming that someone who appears to be coping is necessarily feeling okay.
When you start asking, “But what do I actually want?”
Sometimes, the hardest part isn’t recognising how much you do for other people. It’s knowing what you would choose if you weren’t trying so hard to meet their expectations.
You might have become used to asking:
What will make this easier for everyone else?
What will they think if I say no?
How can I make sure nobody is disappointed in me?
These questions can become so familiar that there’s little room left for your own preferences, comfort or needs.
You might not know whether you genuinely enjoy something or whether you have learnt to enjoy it because it helps you fit in. You may struggle to recognise when you’re tired, overwhelmed or uncomfortable until you reach the point where you can’t keep going.
If you are exploring whether you might be autistic or have ADHD, you may also be looking back at earlier experiences and seeing them differently. Things you once described as being too sensitive, overthinking or not quite fitting in may prompt new questions about how you experience the world.
You don’t have to find all the answers at once. You don’t need to settle on a label or suddenly change the way you live.
You can begin by being curious about yourself.
Finding small ways to make room for yourself
Reconnecting with yourself doesn’t have to mean making big changes or suddenly saying no to everything. It can begin with small moments of noticing.
Perhaps you pause before automatically agreeing to something and give yourself time to think.
Perhaps you notice that you need quiet after a busy day, rather than telling yourself you should be able to carry on.
Maybe you allow yourself to enjoy something without needing to explain why, or spend time with someone around whom you feel you don’t have to work quite so hard.
You may find that some adaptations are still useful to you. Others may feel tiring or unnecessary. The point isn’t to stop adapting altogether; it’s to have more choice about what you do and why.
And if you have spent years putting other people first, it may take time to work out what feels right for you. That’s okay.
A gentle pause: notice what belongs to you
If you have a few quiet minutes, try asking yourself these questions. You don’t need to answer them all.
When do I feel most like myself? Think about the people, places or activities where you feel a little more at ease.
What do I do because I genuinely want to, and what do I do because I’m worried about disappointing someone?
What do I find myself hiding or holding back?
What might make one part of my day feel more comfortable or manageable?
Try to approach your answers with curiosity rather than judgement. There may be reasons you have learnt to behave in certain ways, and those reasons deserve kindness too.
You might like to write down one thing you’ve noticed and come back to it another day. There is no need to turn every realisation into an action plan.
You are allowed to get to know yourself
If you have spent a long time being the capable one, the helpful one or the person who seems to manage, it can feel unfamiliar to make space for your own needs.
You may worry that people will see you differently, or that changing the way you respond will disappoint them. You might not yet know what being more yourself would look like.
You don’t need to have that worked out today.
Sometimes, the first step is simply recognising how much effort you’ve been making, and beginning to ask what you need too.
In counselling, there can be space to explore these questions at your own pace, without being told who you are or who you should become. It’s an opportunity to make sense of your experiences and work out what feels right for you.
At JSM Counselling, I offer a free 15-minute introductory call if you would like to find out a little more about working together. There’s no pressure to have everything worked out before you get in touch.
You can find out more at www.jsmcounselling.com.
A question to leave you with: How much of your day is spent being who you think you should be, rather than who you are?
Take your time with that one.
