Rest Isn’t Something You Have to Earn
When was the last time you sat down to rest without thinking about all the things you still needed to do?
Perhaps you made yourself a cup of tea, sat on the sofa and then noticed the washing that needed putting away. Or maybe you finally had an hour to yourself, but instead of enjoying it, you spent the time feeling guilty about what you should have been doing.
There is always another job, another person who needs something or another task that could be ticked off the list.
So you get up and carry on.
If this sounds familiar, you may have become so used to being busy that stopping feels uncomfortable. You might even find yourself wondering whether you have done enough to deserve a break.
But what if rest isn’t something you have to earn?
When being productive becomes part of who you are
Many of us grow up with messages about the importance of working hard, being helpful and getting things done. We may be praised for being reliable, organised, capable or the person who can always be counted on.
These qualities can be valuable. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in what you do or caring about the people around you.
But sometimes, without realising it, we begin to measure our worth by how much we achieve.
We feel good when we have completed the list, helped someone else or managed to keep everything running smoothly. Yet when we stop, we may feel restless, unproductive or even a little selfish.
Perhaps you tell yourself that you can relax once the house is tidy, the emails are answered, everyone else is settled or you have finished just one more thing.
The difficulty is that there is rarely a point when absolutely everything is done.
There will always be something else that needs your attention.
And if you wait until there is nothing left to do before allowing yourself to rest, you may find yourself waiting a very long time.
Why does resting make me feel guilty?
Guilt can be complicated. Sometimes it helps us recognise when we have acted against our values or hurt someone. But sometimes, we feel guilty simply because we are doing something unfamiliar or because we believe we should be doing something else.
You might recognise thoughts such as:
“I really ought to be doing something useful.”
“Other people manage more than I do.”
“I haven’t done enough today to justify sitting down.”
“If I stop now, I’ll never get everything finished.”
“Everyone else needs me.”
When these thoughts become familiar, resting can feel as though you are letting someone down, even when nobody has asked you to do anything more.
You might find yourself needing to justify a quiet afternoon, explaining why you are tired or comparing your productivity with someone else's.
Sometimes, we are much kinder to other people than we are to ourselves. If a friend told you she was exhausted and needed an afternoon to herself, would you tell her she was being lazy? Or would you encourage her to take the break she needed?
It is worth asking why we sometimes find it so difficult to offer ourselves the same understanding.
The NHS identifies ongoing pressure as one possible source of stress and recommends making time for yourself, taking breaks and avoiding trying to do everything at once. You can explore its practical advice in the NHS guide to managing stress.
You don’t have to wait until you are struggling to justify looking after yourself.
When your mind says “keep going”, but your body says “enough”
For some women, slowing down is particularly difficult because they have spent years being the person who copes.
You may be the one who organises family life, remembers appointments, supports friends, meets deadlines and notices what everyone else needs. You may have learnt to keep going even when you feel tired, overwhelmed or close to your limit.
For some autistic and ADHD women, there may be additional demands to consider. Navigating sensory environments, managing changes, organising everyday tasks or adapting to social expectations can take energy that other people do not necessarily see.
If you have also spent years masking or trying to fit in, you may have become skilled at appearing as though everything is fine, even when you need time to recover.
The National Autistic Society’s guidance on autistic fatigue and burnout explains that everyday demands and social situations can take considerable energy, and that rest, recovery time and balancing energy are important.
This does not mean that everyone who struggles to rest is autistic or has ADHD. Everyone's circumstances are different. But if you regularly feel exhausted while believing you should be doing more, it may be helpful to look at the demands you are carrying and the expectations you place on yourself.
Sometimes, what looks like a difficulty with motivation is actually a need for recovery. Sometimes, the answer isn't to push harder.
It may be to pause and listen.
Rest is not a reward for being productive
Imagine if you treated rest in the same way you treat food or sleep: as something you need, rather than something you have to earn.
You wouldn't expect yourself to finish every job in the house before you were allowed to eat. Yet many of us behave as though we must complete everything before we can take a break.
Rest can mean different things to different people. It might be sitting quietly with a cup of tea, spending time outdoors, reading a few pages of a book, doing something creative, listening to music or enjoying time with someone who makes you feel comfortable.
It doesn't have to be a perfectly planned self-care activity. You don't need to buy anything, achieve anything or turn it into another task on your list.
And rest doesn't always mean doing nothing. For some people, a gentle walk, a familiar hobby or time spent on a special interest can feel restorative. The important thing is noticing what helps you feel replenished, rather than adding another expectation to your day.
You may also need to make practical changes, such as sharing responsibilities, asking for help or reducing demands where you can. Rest cannot always be achieved through a change in mindset alone.
The aim isn't to become less caring, less reliable or less ambitious. It's to recognise that you are a person with needs, too.
Three gentle ways to make room for rest
You don't have to change your whole routine or suddenly become comfortable with slowing down. You can begin with something small.
1. Notice the guilt without automatically obeying it.
When you sit down and hear that familiar voice telling you to get up and do something useful, pause for a moment.
You might say to yourself, “I'm noticing that I feel guilty about resting.” You don't have to argue with the thought or make it disappear. Simply recognising it can give you a little more choice about what you do next.
2. Try a small pause before everything is finished.
You could take five minutes between tasks, sit down while the kettle boils or spend a little time outside without turning it into an exercise goal.
Notice what comes up. Do you feel restless? Do you start mentally listing jobs? Are you worried that someone might think you are being unproductive?
There is no need to judge yourself for any of these feelings. You are simply learning something about your relationship with rest.
3. Ask yourself what you need, rather than what you should do.
We often ask ourselves what needs to be done next. How often do we stop to ask what we need?
Perhaps you need sleep. Perhaps you need some quiet, a change of scene, practical help or a little less pressure. Perhaps you need to recognise that you have done enough for today.
You may not always be able to meet that need straight away, but acknowledging it is a place to begin.
A little reflection for this week
If you have a few quiet minutes, try finishing these sentences:
I find it difficult to rest when…
When I do stop, I worry that…
The message I seem to have learnt about being productive is…
If I treated myself with the same kindness I offer others, I might…
One small way I could make more room for rest this week is…
You don't need to write a long answer or come up with a plan. Even noticing one thought or feeling may help you understand yourself a little better.
And if these questions bring up uncomfortable feelings, be gentle with yourself. Our beliefs about work, responsibility and worth often develop over many years. They may take time to understand and change.
You don't have to prove that you're tired enough
Perhaps you have become so used to keeping going that you only allow yourself to stop when you have absolutely nothing left to give.
Perhaps you believe you should be able to manage more, do more or cope better.
But you don't have to reach breaking point before your needs matter.
You are allowed to rest when you are tired. You are allowed to have time that isn't productive. You are allowed to do something simply because you enjoy it.
And you can care deeply about other people without taking responsibility for everything.
In counselling, there can be space to explore where these expectations come from, how they affect you and what it might mean to treat yourself differently. You don't have to arrive with all the answers.
At JSM Counselling, I offer a free 15-minute introductory call if you would like to find out a little more about working together. There is no pressure to have everything worked out before you reach out.
You can find out more at www.jsmcounselling.com.
A final question to take with you: If you didn't have to earn your rest today, what might you give yourself permission to do?
