Understanding the difference between coping on the outside and feeling okay on the inside.
Have you ever had one of those days when you seem to have done everything you needed to do, but instead of feeling pleased with yourself, you just feel exhausted?
You've got through work, replied to messages, remembered the things that needed remembering, looked after other people and kept everything moving.
You might even have been the person others have turned to for help.
And yet, when you finally get a moment to yourself, you feel as though you have nothing left to give.
Perhaps small things are beginning to irritate you. You find it difficult to switch off, your mind keeps going over things, or even deciding what to have for dinner feels like another demand.
You might find yourself thinking, Why am I feeling like this? I've got nothing to complain about. I'm managing, aren't I?
I think there's something worth exploring here.
Just because we're coping with everything doesn't necessarily mean we're feeling okay.
When being capable comes at a cost
Some of us become very good at getting on with things.
We learn to organise, plan ahead, anticipate what other people might need and find a way around problems. We become the reliable one, the person who remembers appointments, makes arrangements and keeps things running.
And often, we're quite good at it.
But I wonder how often we stop to think about the effort involved.
It's not always the individual tasks that leave us feeling overwhelmed. It can be everything happening alongside them. The decisions, the conversations, the things we're worrying about, the expectations we place on ourselves and the things we feel responsible for.
Sometimes we're carrying much more than we realise.
We can become so used to operating in this way that it starts to feel normal. We don't necessarily recognise how tired we are until something small tips us over the edge.
And perhaps instead of recognising that we've been carrying a lot, we become frustrated with ourselves for not being able to manage one more thing.
When everyone else sees you coping
This is something I particularly think about in my work with autistic and ADHD women.
Some women have spent years learning to adapt to the expectations around them. They may be very good at observing other people, anticipating what is expected and adjusting how they behave to fit in.
For some autistic women, this can include masking: consciously or unconsciously hiding or adapting aspects of themselves in social situations.
The National Autistic Society explains that masking can involve monitoring how we communicate, copying other people's behaviour and suppressing our natural responses. Although it can help someone navigate social situations, it can also take considerable energy.
You can read more in their guidance on autistic masking.
For some women, particularly those who receive a diagnosis later in life, beginning to understand these experiences can help make sense of why certain situations have always felt so demanding.
It can bring relief, but it can also raise questions.
Why has it taken me so long to recognise how much effort this takes? What do I actually need? And who am I when I'm not trying so hard to fit in?
Of course, feeling overwhelmed doesn't automatically mean someone is neurodivergent. There are many reasons why life can begin to feel too much. Work, relationships, caring responsibilities, life changes and our own expectations can all play a part.
But sometimes it helps to look beyond what we're doing and start thinking about what it is costing us.
Three small things you can try
I'm not suggesting that you can simply stop doing everything that needs doing. Most of us have responsibilities that aren't going to disappear.
But perhaps there are small ways to start making things feel a little more manageable.
1. Get what's in your head onto paper
When everything feels as though it's competing for attention, it can be difficult to know where to start.
Try taking five minutes and writing down everything that's currently occupying your thoughts.
Don't worry about organising it or making it look tidy. Just get it out of your head.
Then have a look at what you've written.
You might find it helpful to put each item into one of three groups:
Needs my attention: Things that genuinely need dealing with.
Can wait: Things that don't have to be done today.
Not mine to carry: Things you might be taking responsibility for that could be shared, handed back or approached differently.
You don't have to solve everything on the list. Sometimes simply seeing what you're carrying can be a useful starting point.
2. Start noticing what gives you energy and what takes it away
We often ask ourselves what we've achieved during the day, but how often do we ask ourselves how the day actually felt?
For the next few days, try a little energy check-in.
At the end of the day, ask yourself:
What took the most energy from me today?
Was there anything that helped me feel calmer or more settled?
When did I feel most comfortable being myself?
You might begin to notice patterns.
Perhaps certain conversations leave you feeling drained. Perhaps busy environments are harder than you realised, or you need a little quiet time after socialising.
You may also notice that something quite ordinary, such as sitting with a cup of tea, spending time outside or having some time without demands, makes a difference.
There isn't a right or wrong answer. It's about getting to know yourself and what you need a little better.
3. Give yourself a little breathing space before saying yes
How often do we agree to something before we've even considered whether we have the time, energy or inclination to do it?
Perhaps it's because we don't want to disappoint someone, or because we're so used to being the person who helps.
Next time, try pausing before you answer.
You could simply say:
"Let me have a think about that and come back to you."
It might not seem like much, but it gives you an opportunity to consider what works for you rather than automatically responding to what someone else needs.
And if the answer is no, that doesn't mean you've let someone down.
It might simply mean you're recognising that you have limits too.
You don't have to wait until things become too much
One of the things I value about counselling is having the opportunity to slow things down.
When we're busy getting through everyday life, we don't always have the space to think about how we're feeling, why certain things affect us in particular ways or what we might need to do differently.
Counselling isn't about being told how to live your life or being given another list of things to work on.
It's about having a space where you can talk openly, explore your experiences and begin to make sense of what's happening for you.
Sometimes that means looking at patterns that have been there for years. Sometimes it's about understanding relationships, expectations or the pressure we put on ourselves. And sometimes it's about beginning to recognise needs that we've become very good at putting to one side.
You don't need to have everything worked out before you start. Sometimes knowing that something doesn't feel quite right is enough.
A little something to take away
I'd like to leave you with a question to think about this week:
If you didn't have to prove that you could cope with everything, what might you do differently?
Perhaps you'd ask for help. Perhaps you'd give yourself permission to leave something until tomorrow. Perhaps you'd make a little more time for yourself, or simply acknowledge that you're finding things difficult.
It doesn't have to be a big change.
Sometimes the first step is simply noticing.
And perhaps we could start being a little kinder to ourselves, recognising that being capable doesn't mean we have to manage everything, all of the time.
Thinking about counselling?
At JSM Counselling, I work with women who may be feeling overwhelmed, struggling with the expectations they place on themselves or trying to make sense of their experiences. I have a particular interest in supporting autistic and ADHD women, including those exploring a possible diagnosis or making sense of a later diagnosis.
If you'd like to find out whether counselling might be helpful, you're welcome to get in touch for a free 15-minute introductory call. It's simply an opportunity to have a chat, see how we get on and decide whether working together feels right.
JSM Counselling
